Speedy and the Hooch
-or-
Free Love in Cartoon Land
A short story. Equal parts creativity, boredom, and heat stroke.
Technically a work in progress, but don't count on any work or progress any time soon.
By Jon and Beka Mulder
-Chapter One-
It was a pleasant day in Camelot. The sun shone brightly over all the land, and the Emus were frolicking around the fuchsia campfire. The princess herself was tending her crabgrass.
"This crabgrass is turning out to be a better shade of green than the muskrat at the market told me it would," the princess commented smugly. "It'll make a lovely pair of pants."
She soon finished in her garden and started packing up her tools. She picked up her hammer and saw a slightly disheveled looking caterpillar struggling to climb over the edge of a very sharp stone. As the caterpillar went over the top, the princess was shocked to discover that the caterpillar was slightly shorter than a caterpillar ought to be. Upon closer examination, the caterpillar was found to be not only wounded, but also frantic.
Being a compassionate individual, the princess rushed to the aid of the ever-slowing insect. "What happened, dear caterpillar? Did the rock injure you?"
The caterpillar, already slowing, stopped when he heard the princess. "Hear me princess, I beseech you. I have witnessed a crime against decency which must at all costs be exposed."
The princess, realizing that the caterpillar was soon to die, wished to comfort him in his final moments. "What can I do to help you, dear caterpillar?" she asked.
He answered, "That outlawed rodent, Speedy Gonzalez, is aggressively pursuing a smurf - Smurfette - and she is going along with it enthusiastically. As you know, princess, it is completely forbidden for any smurf to associate with rodents of his type. I was commissioned by Papa Smurf to follow Speedy and find out for sure if he is associating with her. Last night I stumbled upon them while they were, um..."
The princess gasped, "You don't mean.... smurfing!"
"Yes," the caterpillar answered, "It was disgusting! I realized that I must tell Papa Smurf that he is in danger of becoming Grandpapa Smurf. As I turned to head back to the land of the smurfs, they took notice of me and gave chase. It didn't take long for them to catch this old caterpillar, and when they did, they took their trusty machete and lopped off my better half. They left me for dead while they went to fetch their personal belongings. As soon as they left, I gathered the last of my strength and dragged myself to this place where you found me. Princess, you must carry this news to Papa Smurf before the superior smurf race is corrupted!"
"How terrible!" the princess exclaimed. "I will start the journey at once." In her haste, she dropped her hammer and saw that it had hit the poor creature, scattering its entrails for several inches. Shrugging her shoulders, she went inside to prepare for her quest.
-Chapter Two-
Speedy bent down to retrieve his socks, which were now saturated with the dampness of the forest. Behind him, Smurfette's face radiated disgust.
"Speedy, where did you get that tattoo?!" she exclaimed.
"Well, right there obviously," he answered matter-of-factly, slapping his southern cheeks.
"No, you dolt! I mean where did you find a tattoo parlor, and why on earth did you get a tattoo of a male smurf?!?" she clarified.
"Um, we should be on our way. I'll tell you later. Right now we should put an end to that miserable spy."
"I want to finish him. But some day you WILL tell me about that tattoo"
So they went on their way, each pondering what had been said. Soon, in the distance, they saw a caterpillar and were surprised to realize it was coming at them at a good pace.
"Ah, so the little bugger wants revenge, does he?" gloated Smurfette. "I'm gonna open up a can of whoop-smurf on him!"
As she surged toward her intended target, machete and high heeled shoe in hands, she realized that this was not the same creature they had previously wounded. Like she really cared. In that split second, she determined that the world would be better off with one less pesky caterpillar. Speedy stood back a safe distance, impressed at the speed and efficiency with which she butchered the innocent creature. When the bug had been reduced to a pile of organic slush, they went on their way.
"Now why'd you go and do that?" Speedy asked as they began to walk again. "He was no threat to us."
"Well, it was just that he was...he was...fuzzy!"
"Fuzzy?" he asked defensively. "What's wrong with fuzzy?"
"Well, whenever I see fuzzy, I imagine how it would feel against my skin and well, it just like grossed me out, and I had to make it go away. The caterpillar just got in the way," she explained. "Now when were you going to tell me about that tattoo?"
"Uh, some other time. Didn't we leave that caterpillar somewhere around here?"
After glancing around they realized that the spot was just ahead, beyond several shrubberies. Peeking through the shrubberies, they quickly discerned that only one half of that abominably fuzzy spy remained; the half that couldn't talk.
"Oh smurf!" she exclaimed. "He got away!"
"Maybe we could follow his trail," he said. "I think he went that way. Why don't you go ahead and do your thing with this half. He couldn't have gone far."
And so after she had chopped, crushed and liquefied the remains of the caterpillar, they began to track the more intelligent half of their victim. After several miles of walking in silence, darkness began to spread over the land.
You should make camp señorita," he said. "My feet are sore and I'm tired."
With an icy stare she gathered some nearby sticks and began working. It would be a long, cold night.
To Be Continued... Eventually... Maybe...